Craving

Photo by Emily Jane Schankerman

Yearning.  Desire.  Want.  Thirst.  This summer, same as last summer, I have it.

I think the reason is I am so completely dissatisfied with how I've been spending my summers.

Summers shaped me, they were when I learned to fall in love with the world.  Summers were about sleeping under open sky, rushing for the moment, finding myself inside a safe space.  This is all a magical way to say summers were about camp.  Staying up past responsibility to find something big enough to hold us all (beauty art love nature).

Being done with school and trying to figure out the next steps in the five year plan has made me think back to those times when I had no cravings because I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing.

Each time I look at the dim night sky from within the city, each time I try to describe my feelings and end up discussing logistics, each time I'm riding my bike and wondering why I can't just go faster, when I'm at a restaurant and no food or drink is quite what I feel I want, I get the sense that it all leads to one big craving for something spectacular.

Photo by Sarah Eisenberg

I'm excited because I think I'm on the brink of satisfying this hunger.  When I look back to those times with no yearnings, I can pinpoint why I was so happy, and I'm beginning to find and create those conditions again.